12.7.03
my maid just requested to borrow $25 from me. apparently she opened my wallet, looked inside and found out how much i had left. geez. can she just stop invading my privacy? my wallet is about the most personal item of mine other than my blogs. and that $25 is so dead precious cos im so broke. wth. told her to stop touching my wallet and if she wanted to borrow money she could jolly well ASK me. URGH. have tolerated long enough. she reads my letters [and the top most secret ones at that], robs me of my neoprints without leaving a trace, looks at my cash...seriously everything. even my closest friends arent allowed to lay a finger on my wallet, and it's the same for everyone else. my privacy ought to be respected in this household.
watched jolin concert on tv just now. the rapper she got is so dead cute. he's just drop-dead gorgeous. he isnt exactly handsome but gorgeous. ohmygoodness..that lucky girl jolin...apparently, accdg to sis, he's jay chou's gd fren. fine..lucky jay too. judging from the song, i never expected the rapper to be so good-looking...in fact, i expected the opposite, hah! till jolin introduced him....was staring like some shit at him...and all my attn was diverted away from jolin from then onwards to the guy. after the last song, they were playing waterbombs with the fans and someone threw one on him and he got his hair and t-shirt all wet. then he kinda flicked his hair all backwards and cos it's wet, he looks even more charming. whoa. he's much much better than jt.
i cant seem to shut my mind off - cant shut my mind off you.
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am so so tired. went for guides in the morning, rushing ard doing admin stuff and conducting telematch with a grumbling tummy cos i stubbornly refused to eat bread for breakfast. so there, zero breakfast, the nx thing that went down the digestive track was a packet of viva strawberry at nearly one o'clock. went for lunch at nooch with gal and gang. grudgingly agreed to go for the sake of giving gal face. felt down in the dumps. gal took eons to come cos she was caught up in a meeting elsewhere. oh btw! finally got the gold badge! and it's of a better quality than the previous kind. :D so..at 2:30 or so, gal finally appeared and we ate. lunch was initially arranged to commence at 12 latest...so wth, i no longer felt hungry by the time the food arrived. ate some pan-fried chicken kway teow which they so 'creatively' named as 'flat noodles'. kway teow aka flat noodles...WOW....but it was pretty good i must say. and the 14 of us chalked up a bill of $140.20, felt the pinch for gal. sat nx to her and managed to sneak a peek at the bill, haha. she's really quite nice. :D i guess she's sincere when it comes to certain things..she's appreciative and nice? oh man...okay, it seems as if a meal has bribed me off to thinking that she's nice overnight. i have never thought of her as not-nice but rather, at times, she kinda gets on my nerves...but today's different i guess. :) the lunch was good except that certain insinuating remarks were passed along the way and certain sensitive topics were brought up with great sarcasm intended. just closed an eye though...turned a deaf ear and got through all that though i still felt really uncomfortable. it was definitely a mistake to turn up. finally, at 3:30 or so, we separated. *wipes sweat* missed an empty train and boarded the nx one which was much much more crowded. what luck. then left for ikea to buy pressies and finally got the best deals we were able to find. kinda heavy though...so it's a total of $27.30 spent and there's more to go. after leaving ikea, i was still wondering how come everything went so smoothly...went to get an ice cream cone. was delighted! but...my happiness didnt last. after a few licks, i realised that the ice cream was dripping but it didnt come from the ice cream on top but rather, it seeped through a blardee hole in the cone below. the lady who gave me the ice cream must seriously dislike me man. dripped all over the floor..haha! didnt even realise after quite a while then dripped on my blouse also. *sigh* but it was only one drop anyway. then ate and ate the ice cream, struggling to cover the bottom with lots of tissue but apparently my hand still got soaked with ice cream. what disappointment. other kids who bought the ice cream could eat in peace while i had to make sucha mess. finally left after eating the messy ice cream - home sweet home! that's my long day spent outside but with the help of 'un-luck', it seems much more a drag. -shagged-
one day gone and the homework is untouched. fantastic. there's no way it can be completed tmr either cos i'll be going out as usual. die le. think must quickly step down so that my saturdays will be free of activities. talked to the seniors a little today abt jc and poly etc etc. quite interesting to hear different points of view and it's rare that i actually talk to them abt such things. think they're really cute and nice. :)
last night was a really horrible experience when a tirade of emotions just swept through me...
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11.7.03
barred myself from going online last night because i knew that if i did, i'd simply screw things up with my sickeningly ever-changing emotions. even today, even now, i dont feel right. i suppose other ppl arent obliged to give in to my moodswings and all that...so, simply staying away from msn would be good at times, so that i wont be snapping at others and getting more ppl annoyed along with me.
there seems to be a never-ending series of things that never fail to bother me. when one's cleared, others appear. the news abt her dad was really startling...and yash, i understand what you're feeling. i was trying to imagine, quite morbid really, but imagined a friend's dad whom im pretty close to and he's really nice....and what if, just what if, he disappears from the face of earth all of a sudden. what would be the initial reaction...i guess it'd be denial. what would i feel...would i cry, would it hurt? then i imagined dad...not that i want to, but im fearful all of a sudden. so scared that i'll be robbed off everything so easily. how unpredictable life is. talking to that friend abt it...and got pretty emotional thinking abt dad...and tears welled up. darn. i thought of ladan and laleh..it's the same thing! life is just full of surprises...but whether they're pleasant or horrific, it's really not up to us to decide. sometimes i realli wish i could foretell the future. but honestly, if i found out that it's doomed, i'd rather end it now. that's the pathetic thing abt me i guess. it's not being pessimistic but rather, just giving up because there isnt going to be any damn significant result eventually. i'd call it a lazy mentality and cowardice...
it's been a hectic week and boy am i shacked. there's an entire hill of homework this weekend...i can just relate to harry potter and his whole load of overdue hw [just that mine isnt overdue yet..haha]. this term is really going to drag by while the tons of work gradually pile up on our backs, making the journey more arduous than ever...am feeling so sleepy....i wanna hibernate for a long long time.
im becoming more and more callous. sad to say, but it must have culminated from all the spiteful feelings in the process. i just dont wanna care. and i suppose, it's fair too, since it's mutual.
got more to say but cant be bothered to think of how to phrase them.
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10.7.03
What is love, cos baby I don't know
I got a funny feeling in my heart
If this is love - it feels like butterflies
So tell me baby is this how it starts
I know I've never felt like this before
You're like a drug you got me wanting more
I've got to let you know - I've got to let you know
You're - you're my number one
I'd do anything for you
Catch the rain from the sky, even hold back the tide for you
Baby baby, you're - you're my number one
With you I know I belong
I put the radio on and it's always playing our song
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this is my second attempt at writing today's entry. wrote some stuff but deleted those in the end. have got lots to say but cant seem to find the words. it's like getting stuck on a horrible composition topic that you have to write on. think i'll go write in the diary later, blogging has its own restraints and limitations. i have to watch my words, be wary of any innuendo lest feelings are hurt, conceal and express my thoughts covertly and indirectly. somehow it's back to the past where i had to be really cautious with my entries. i dont feel as comfortable voicing things out as before. it's kinda strained - oh well, everything abt me is nowadays. i've gotta keep a constant check on the ground im threading on, it's filled with landmines and any moment now, a blast may just result in devastating casualties. no, im not going to let you get hurt. no matter what the others think of you, it doesnt bother me. what matters is i respect you for who you are and i know clearly and exactly what my stand is - the only thing is, you will never find out. what daph said today was like a huge stab and was really impactful. im not blaming her for voicing out her opinions but it just triggered a whole train of thought. perhaps she's right, i dont know. but is it wrong, is it wrong for me to behave in such a manner? im kinda filled with self reproach now. and at the same time, it suddenly dawned on me how much you've unwittingly made a difference in my life. gradually, you're becoming indispensible. what will i do if i realise, one day, that you're gone? im so torn apart. and i noe im making a huge mistake by feeling this. all of a sudden, i realise what the landmines are. they're my actions and the consequences are the blasts that follow. the landmines arent obstacles set by others nor are they external factors. this is too rash and impulsive [this should be helpful for the eng passage thingy]. am i simply jumping onto the bandwagon? i blame myself for being fickle. now i realise how much i am, although i always try to deny it myself. i hate ppl for being fickle and yet here i am, taadaa! let's just hope it's a passing phase and i'll brush it aside because i dont want you to get hurt as a result of my impetuous nature. i'll just watch from afar...knowing that you're safe and happy will suffice. urgh, why the sudden twist of events? i just wonder if u'll ever get to read this.
what a whole load of crap~ think a third attempt wouldnt make things better.
den* stepped on your garbage at
9.7.03
changed template again because the previous one's bkgrd can no longer be loaded? and it kinda seems that this new one doesnt suit me. i mean, it's not sth denise wong would choose for her template, hah...just couldnt find something that i truly like, nx time i guess. niwaez, today's bio test was hell of a fun...so much for the studying...study study study, still dont know how to do. wth. but today was generally happy, heh. if i die today, i'd die without regrets...yay! :D in a slackish mood now...but there's still ss to complete. aiks. there's mass dance tmr again...i dont know if i should be happy or sad...i like the dance but dancing in the parade square is really kinda squashy and you just keep bumping into others and everything's so messy. it's more like some riot than a dance! hurhur. im suddenly reminded of what daph said abt jt [no jasmine. it's not you if you're reading this, haha]...wth...must purposely do this to me just because i like him right...what a pathetic excuse for insulting him. "actually he's not that bad and it's not that i want to insult him, but it's because you like him..." so exasperating!! and infuriating. and the mimicking...whoa, just made me feel totally helpless - just couldnt find any words to defend him, *sigh*. may the pleasant days last as long as possible, since good things always have to come to an end...
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8.7.03
lalala..today's a happy happy day! despite the horrible anglican high paper we were compelled to do after sch...went hungry till 4+.. :( laughed and felt like a nutcase after completing the paper, not forgetting the krazy clique's booming chorus when we saw them, it was way too hilarious. idol... wth?!
went to 7-11 and the same guy was there again. somehow everytime i enter i always catch his eye and it'll be like "ERBX" and look away. yikes. and since the shop is so small, cant avoid him and always end up catching his eye again when i turn round a corner. it's getting freaky shopping at 7-11. AND i made the mistake of buying this coffee flavoured milk, assumed it was chocolate from its colour and my sis was so proud that she guessed correctly. haix. forced half the bottle down my throat and left the other half for my maid, heh. collected the photos, cant stop looking at them because i guess they're full of memories. and i cant bear to take any of them out for the class thingy!! nvm..i'll go develop another copy of the one that i'll eventually submit to doro. :( there's nothing like the original though...
[prince] i know im being silly again. it's a form of illusion but i cant help it. you just make me happy. why, why, why....i am prone to making mistakes and committing myself to the wrong people and wrong things and most importantly, at the wrong time. it's always either a step too late or too early. just gotta accept it. i understand the current situation but when the heart says one thing, you cant possibly overwrite it with reason or logic. perhaps it's the affinity that's drawing me nearer, you're indeed different, or rather, special.
den* stepped on your garbage at
6.7.03
hey..just chat with dad.. :D at long last...slept late last night but am still feeling energetic now. which is good..because i'll have lots to do today..my bio tys is in a real mess and havent attempted so many sections...can have a nice time man, and it's bio....so....have to go reading the tb blah blah. how boring. i think the only chaps im interested is hereditary and the works. there's still studying for the test on weds...and woohoo, it's my most "favourite" chaps man..reproduction. looks like they'll need extra effort to work on...haix. that's for procrastination again. it was meant to be revised during the hols but of cos...i was busy doing other things. ;)
everytime after i chat with you, the things we've said...it kinda creates an impact, it sets me thinking a lot. i start forming connections, coming to conclusions...just thinking and thinking, considering your opinions etc. it feels like some form of counselling...hehe...the kind of sessions which, after being carried out, cause you to reflect on your life a lot. and once again, i've given what we said quite some thought. reflected on my behaviour, my mentality, my interests...it's like a mirror..and everything about myself is imaged and i can see what's wrong and what's no good in myself. it's like prizing open my soul and looking inside...which is good, so thank you. let's just say it's some kinda contrition and 'cleansing of the soul'. i considered the subjects i'd love to pursue but would not, and the consequences if i actually did so. dont have a conclusion still, for that....but you've kinda helped me identify my interests...and the fact that we share several viewpoints is comforting also. somehow. at least there's someone out there who truly understands...am honoured that i can share that rare side of you, really. i can comprehend whatever you said. and i appreciate everything. wanted to say all these in the ecard but the word limit was like 500 characters? which is obviously insufficient when my words come pouring out. so there...
today will be total work day. and will try to discipline myself as much as possible. i wanna quit slacking. it's been for quite a long time that i've been at it. ever since the hols and i still cant kick the habit. will also try to finish the last 7 shots and send the film for developing today - decided to take photos of the house since we're moving soon...so sad..
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another of those blogging for the sake of blogging times. nothing exceptional happened today. just that mum kinda lost her temper in the morning and peeved everyone off. other than that, life's stifling. imagined some really incredible scenarios which upon second thoughts, turned out more ludicrous than it had seemed earlier.
watched starsearch again. fourth time i think. but it's always the same segment of the show that i manage to catch. and without fail, laughed at the same part again. omigosh. it just never stops tickling me.
ok fine, im just out of words today. regardless of how hard i rummage my brain for something to say, it's zilch. so see ya.
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